I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
