my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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