On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Randomize
