I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
