I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Couch. On fire.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Randomize
