My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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