I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
