I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
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