I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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