She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Randomize
