I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
