Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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