You just made me feel so damn special
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
