You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
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