i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
