I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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