Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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