Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Randomize
