If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
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