Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
