We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
