At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
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