eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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