Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
