no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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