When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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