weddingsv make me drug and hornr
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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