I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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