I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
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