i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
