I just saw a hot homeless man
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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