I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
