Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
