All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
