It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
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