You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
