Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
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