Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
