You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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