WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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