last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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