I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
