I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
