how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
