Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
