my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
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