If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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