BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
