i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
We have started to decorate penises.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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