im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
